To Know You is to Love You
Nov 1, 2009
Scripture: Mark 12:28-34
One of the scribes came near and heard them disputing with one another, and seeing that he answered them well, he asked him, “Which commandment is the first of all?” Jesus answered, “The first is, ‘Hear, O Israel: the Lord our God, the Lord is one; you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength.’ The second is this, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.” Then the scribe said to him, “You are right, Teacher; you have truly said that ‘he is one, and besides him there is no other’; and ‘to love him with all the heart, and with all the understanding, and with all the strength,’ and ‘to love one’s neighbor as oneself,’ —this is much more important than all whole burnt offerings and sacrifices.” When Jesus saw that he answered wisely, he said to him, “You are not far from the kingdom of God.” After that no one dared to ask him any question.
Sermon: To Know You is to Love You by Rev Doreen Oughton
So let’s talk about love. Usually when we talk about or think about love, we speak from the heart. Love often feels warm and comforting, and sometimes all-consuming and passionate. We think of it as an emotion that is expressed through tender gestures, thoughtful acts, loving supportive words. Sometimes it is expressed through efforts to control or guide. When we feel loved by someone that we love, the world seems a better place. When we don’t feel that love returned, it hurts. Sometimes it hurts so much that we put guards around our heart to protect it, sometimes we lash out at the one who doesn’t love us enough. We wish we could command someone to love us, but we know that it just doesn’t work that way.
In this morning’s scripture, a scribe asks Jesus, which commandment is first. Jesus answers him by citing what is called the Shema, from Deuteronomy 6, the directive to Israel to listen up, to love God with everything you’ve got. Jesus then adds a line from Leviticus, love your neighbor as yourself. God commands us to love God and love others as we love ourselves. Doesn’t God know that you can’t command love? In matters of the heart, just because someone tells you to love them or another, you’re not going to be able to just generate these warm and passionate feelings. Sometimes it’s hard enough to love ourselves, let alone our neighbor, who we know from other talks Jesus gives that he means EVERYONE. Now maybe it’s not so hard in the abstract. I can generate warm feelings for my fellow humans on the other side of the world, especially those who are down and out. But what about that person who was in so many of my classes, who was so arrogant and know-it-all, whose opinions about pretty much everything were so different from mine. Or the radio talk show host who seems intent on provoking my anger and dismay.A little bit harder then to be moved to kind words and warm gestures.
Now we all know there are different types of love. There is the love you have for your children or parents, the love you have for your mate, the love you have for your country, or the love you have for your warm cozy bed on a chilly Saturday morning. The ancient Greeks used different words for different kinds of love. At the time that the New Testament was written, there were four words for love, only two of which are found in the scripture. The words not found in the NT are eros and storge. As you can imagine, eros is romantic love. Think infatuation, attraction, physical, and falling. It seems beyond our control. This type definitely cannot be commanded. Even when we know someone is a good person, and it would be good for us to love, the chemistry, we might say, is just not there.
Storge refers to affection and a sense of connection. It is familial, doesn’t have to be earned, it just comes with being part of the family. I suppose in some ways it can be commanded, like, “give auntie a kiss.” It might be what Kurt Vonnegut called a “granfalloon,” a connection that is sort of accidental. You live in Massachusetts and so love the Red Sox, you are a member of the alumni of your high school or college, you are a part of a family you didn’t really chose. Just like falling in love feels like something we don’t have a choice about, so we don’t really make a decision with storge either.
The third type of love is phileo. Here the connection is not just accidental, but has meaning to it. There is affection, a desire to spend time with the person, and that warmth and generosity I spoke of earlier. The word philadelphia means brotherly love. Brotherly in the best sense of family connection, not the accident of birth. This term is used 58 times in the NT. It is used to describe love amongst human kind, God’s love for Jesus, God’s love for the disciples, and Jesus’ love for those he is challenging or rebuking. It describes intimate and personal affection toward others or things. The word is never used to describe God’s love for humankind in general.
Often this feeling can increase as we nurture it. We share more of ourselves with friends, trust builds, we start to understand that we can see things differently and still maintain the connection. We even try to understand the other perspective, anticipate what the other wants or needs and make those thoughtful gestures and kindnesses. There is usually a sense of mutuality in phileo that allows trust to build, that allows for more open and intimate sharing. When it is not reciprocal, the connection can easily fade or sever. After all, it is hard to keep feeling warm and generous to someone who is aloof, cold or hostile.
The Greek word for love that is used most frequently in the NT, 117 times, is agape. It is the word used in our reading from the gospel of Mark this morning, and it is commanded. This is not love from the heart, but from the mind and the will. Our emotions have little to do with it. It is a choice that we make, and God commands us to make it. Agape love asks us to recognize the importance and value of the object of our love. It is not just a matter of respect, but more of honor. The Shema says we must honor the rightful place of God, must recognize God’s primacy, to understand this truth with everything we have – with our whole being, our intellect, our will, our souls and bodies, with all the strength we have. We need all of our strength to keep God a priority, to give God that primary place of honor. We need our whole selves to be on board with this, to resist the temptations to put other things before God, things like our comfort, our egos, our desires.
Jesus then links this commandment with that of agape love for others and ourselves. Again, our feelings, our heart, are not where we look for this love. It is not based on preferences or affection, but on a decision, a willingness to recognize the value of humans as God’s children. It is a commitment to be just, moral and true to everyone, regardless of how they treat us, or whether we like them or not. When we say that God is love, we mean that God is just and true to all and will always act with righteousness. Jesus’ response to the scribe is that we are to be true and just and moral to ourselves and all of humanity. Sometimes being true and just and moral with ourselves means we don’t indulge our feelings or desires. We discern between our wants and our needs, or our wants and the rights of others. Sometimes it means we set boundaries with people who treat us unjustly. But we do so in a way that still honors their value, in a way that is true and moral.
Jesus links these together because it is so hard to love ourselves and others in this agape way unless we put God in that primary place, unless we choose to turn our will and our lives over to God. And you know, I can appreciate these commandments. I can appreciate that God is agape love, and that God commands us to return that love. But you know, I also want the warm feelings, I want the phileo with God. I want to experience a sense of deep connection along with the moral obligation. I want to believe that God cares about me personally. And so I try to nurture that connection. Reading the bible is one way I try to nurture that connection. I love the stories of God in relationship with people, with Adam and Eve and Cain, with Abraham and his progeny. Whether you believe they are factual stories or not, they give a rich and complex picture of what relationship with God can look like. Prayer and meditation are other ways to nurture the relationship. I share with God in prayer my fears and doubts and hopes. When I have felt most ashamed of myself I have brought it to God, wanting to share myself as fully as I am able. I think of mediation as the listening side of prayer, taking time to be silent, to be open to that still small voice, the flash of insight, the ability to see things differently, to experience a sense of trust and peace. Looking for God in nature is another way to build a sense of phileo love. To see God in the mountain and meadow, to hear God’s whisper in the wind.
I think our relationship with God can be as personal as we want it to be. We each need to find images that open a way for us to nurture the relationship. Some prefer images of power and might, while others respond more to images of comfort and tenderness. The bible again is a great source for a variety of images of God. The role of father is often emphasized, but God is also described as a mother, protector, nurturer, healer, judge, mid-wife, homemaker, potter, and as wisdom. To find ways to increase that phileo love, a sense of trust and care with God, can be so sustaining and enriching. But we must be sure that it works with agape love rather than replace or supersede it. It does not honor God to believe that God is your trusted friend or beloved parent while you treat others badly, while you are dishonest and self-centered and untrue. God’s agape love for all commands a response of righteous action from us. God will continue to be just and true and merciful to you even without that response. That is who God is. But follow God’s command, love God, love your neighbor as yourself, and who knows what can grow from there. Amen.
